FLAGSTAFF HOUSE
1. The Octagon (K. Truitt)
As much as it pains me to say this, as long as Peyton Manning and the Broncos offense keeps rolling like the way they are, it’s going to be pretty difficult for The Octagon to be brought down (happy birthday, Charlie, for drawing Keith in Week 9). Obvious, major concerns about the RB situation though, even if Steven Jackson comes back healthy and productive. I don’t give a god damn about Antonio Brown but I actually like Anquan Boldin, and frankly all this bullshit just doesn’t matter at all if Keith’s 4 Broncos (yes I’m including Matt Prater, why not?) keep rolling like this.
On an unrelated note – fuck the Broncos.
2. President Camacho (J.J. Shapiro)
Boy am I not looking forward to suffering the fascist tyranny of President Camacho this week. Pound for pound, top to bottom, the most daunting lineup Bang-wide. While El Presidente lacks a true RB1, the trio of DMac, Giovanni Bernard, and Eddie Lacy should at definitely provide steady, reliable production as long as two of them stay healthy. In spite of starting some kid who sucks donkey balls at TE, coupling a very solid Andrew Luck with three potential top 15 WR (Marshall, Jones, Jackson) and crazy depth in Decker and Hilton on the bench…Jshap’s team has plenty of options (and tough decisions each week) to keep him in serious contention throughout the year.
THE MED
3. Wang Dongdong (M. Russel)
I think there’s a considerable drop-off after the top 2, but based on performance so far this year as well as historical considerations, I have to put Mr. Dongdong at #3. Besides, I’m actually not as worried about Steven Ridley and Vincent Jackson in the long term as perhaps I should be based on how things have gone so far, and if Morgan can weather their collective shitstorm, riding the coattails of LeSean Mccoy and his tandem of stud TE’s, he should be in good position to keep things rolling through season’s end. In sum, there could be a bit of smoke and mirrors at play here with the early season breakouts of Joique Bell and Jordan Cameron, but their regression to mean should be offset by that of Ridley and Jackson. Matty Ice at the helm, that’ll play.
4. Liam Neesons (J. Siegel)
I know I lost to Kwaz and I’m 1-2, but I’ve got a team here fellas. Sure, Liam Neesons is banking on a few contingencies such as Michael Vick’s ability to play all season, ongoing injury and underperformance concerns for Ray Rice, Danny Amendola, Darren Sproles, and more! But still, when healthy the Dez Bryant, Randall Cobb, Danny Amendola triumvirate is perhaps the most dangerous trio of WR in the league (competing with JShap) If Vick continues to make sweet love to Chip Kelly’s absurd and probably unsustainable offense, and Ray Rice returns to form, this should be a contending team come playoff time. Not to mention a savvy waiver claim with Percy Harvin, who could contribute down the stretch.
5. Flop House Hoes (W. Bercek)
The Hoes’ quartet of Smith, Nicks, Hartline, and Austin should provide reliable, productive options for Bill at the position all year long. But holy Jesus do I have concerns about David Wilson and really anybody involved with the Giants right now! Still, with Brees and His Holiness Adrian Peterson at the top, we’re really only looking for 8-10 points a week from RB2 to make this team competitive. I don’t buy Martellus Bennett one bit as an elite fantasy TE, just sayin’. Also sayin’, I can’t BELIEVE the Bears have 3 defensive TD’s already this year – 9 was such an aberration last year and they might top it?! Fuck that shit!
MOUNTAIN SUN
6. My Face Hurts (J. Koza)
I started Koza’s team ranked a bit lower than this but I kept moving it up, all the way to 6!! And it’s not because I don’t think CJ Spiller is a complete bust, because I totally do! It’s not because I think Antonio Gates will win Comeback Player of the Year, because he totally won’t! (He might.) It’s not because any time you can carry three borderline startable QB’s on your roster, you gotta do it! And it’s not because Demarco Murray just had the Cowboys’ first 100+ yard rushing game in over a year last week. None of that shit!
It’s because it’s Koza, and betting too hard against him just feels like a terrible idea that would have to indicate insurmountable, overarching, complete fantasy football incompetence.
……..my fantasy football funeral will most certainly be closed-casket.
7. Double Secret Probation (C. Grandberg)
Like Koza’s, I originally had Charlie’s team quite literally on Double Secret Probation at #10, but when I came to write it up I had to move it up all the way to 7. At first, I really questioned the recent trade with Koza and in fact I voted in the league poll that I felt Koza got the better of it. But, now that I’ve examined both teams in super incredible depth, I really like that trade for Charlie as well. For starters, with Garçon, it’s hard to blame anybody for wanting to get as far away from that Redskins offense as possible right now. And with Finley’s concussion or whatever and Fred Jackson recently being raped by a wallaby, Gronk clearly has the highest upside out of anybody who changed hands there. And when he returns, Brady’s value should go up. Decent top two WR in Welker and Wayne, and Denaurius Moore actually went and had himself a game last week! RB2 is going to be a huge issue all year, although, why couldn’t Bilal Powell find himself 8-10 points a week? This could definitely be a playoff team, and with a 20-13 breakdown start, DSP is showing that so far.
8. Hingle McCringleberry (B. Kwasnick)
You gotta love the trio of Stafford, JC, and Alfred Morris (who has produced in spite of the Redskins’ utter crapulence as a team). In theory you would think that Andre Johnson and Dwayne Bowe could be a pretty dynamic duo of WR2’s, but yeah…not lookin’ so great right now! You could legitimately see Bowe on the waiver wire in the next few weeks if things don’t change for him. It’s worth noting that I had this team rated higher when I first started these rankings, but after looking closer I’m less and less thrilled by the lack of depth and highly concerning WR issues. And yes, I am aware that I lost to the McCringleberries in Week 3, which directly resulted in me even writing this ridiculous post.
TURLEY’S
9. Keep on Truckin’ (B. C. “T.” Smith)
Although my trade of Victor Cruz for Darren Sproles directly resulted in my Week 2 loss to “Truck” Smith, Eli and the hapless Giants gave us all a glimpse of my long-term rationale. Matt Forte has been pretty good so far, which actually deeply upsets me personally since he fucked me so hard last year. AJ Green is a god damned beast and I would let him do stuff to me. Those two, plus ever-trusty Aaron Rodgers give Truck a really nice, reliable trio, but after that I’m seeing a lot of question marks. While Miami is a much improved team that will compete for the AFC East title, Lamar Miller simply is not the focal point of their success. With the lack of depth at the WR position and an unspectacular TE (who also competes for points with Cruz), ole Truck is going to have to rely on Rodgers to do it himself all too often to remain relevant this year.
10. Kid ‘n Puke (J. Bruder)
As I go through these rankings, I’m pretty impressed with the parity I’m seeing in the league. While I have Everett’s daddy ranked 10th on the strength of a hotsy notsy 0-3 start, this team totally isn’t that bad! Trent Richardson’s value ought to see a nice bump in Indy, as he matriculates to a vastly better offensive team. I’m not one bit crazy about this WR2/3 situation, and I thought it was really silly of Jim to spend $3 on Owen Daniels when he already had Jason Witten. But who knows, I may eat my words yet, as Daniels might actually be a fit there in the elusive Bang Flex WR/TE position we all love so well. Greg Jennings was a homer pick and isn’t worth the paper Christian Ponder’s registered sex offender documents are printed on. What a giant piece of shit he is. Love you JB can’t wait to party down with you this weekend!
HALF FAST
11. Cousin Larry (K. Jaquette)
Oh Big Dad. In Year 3 of the Bang Auction, Kartal employed the same spendthrift, fiscally-responsible approach we love so well not only in fantasy football, but in everyday regular normal Kartal. By not blowing his wad early on $60 RB’s and spending frivously on top QB’s, Krrrgameplan would surely have the funds later in the draft to stockpile pick after pick after pick of quality, startable talent at times when other owners simply lacked the budget to outbid him. Right? Right?!! To be certain, the season is not completely lost for the team whose namesake, brilliantly portrayed by the great Mark Linn-Baker, brought us so much laughter, joy, and unforgettable speaking-with-foreign-accents from 1986-1992. On paper this team should still be pretty decent! I have some faith in CJ2K, Reggie Bush, Colston, Romo, and “Touchdown” Tony Gonzalez. We’ll see though – with an 0-3 / 1-22 start, he may have dug himself a hole too deep even for a 1705 Marine Street squirrel to climb his bitch ass out of.
SMELLY DELI
12. El Cunado’s Slop Buckets (P. Wolfert)
The $33 combined that Paul spent on RGIII and Colin Kaepernick could have gotten him Matthew Stafford, DeSean Jackson, and at least two Snickers bars. That’s the kind of auction logic that’ll put you firmly in the doldrums of this Power Poll, and give you a one-way ticket to the bathroom after an ill-advised 3am gyro (albeit with new and improved flushing technique!!) . Nobody knows why Roddy White and Arian Foster suck, but it doesn’t surprise me that Steve Smith, Mike Wallace, Chris Ivory ($11?!), and Vernon Davis suck: it’s because they’re either old, in a new system that can’t utilize him properly in addition to having a bad attitude (Wallace), were never remotely good in the first place and play on a terrible team (Ivory), or just plain are not good at football anymore (Davis). Hit the showers, Wolfert, you earned this.
Jeremy Siegel 